Love-rador Fanfiction Review

[Title]: Love-rador

[Author]: yal

[Main Characters/Pairings]: Ella Chen and Wu Chun

[Rating]: PG-13 for mild sexuality

[Reviewer]: LaurenLCD @ Novice In Tomboyism

[site]: http://novicetomboy.blogspot.com

[Title: 3/5] Criteria: Is it eye-catching & unique? Does it draw the reader to the story?

The title is confusing without the context of the poster. Before reading the summary, I thought it was a typo and meant to be spelled Love-radar. A title should not only be memorable, but also understandable in and out of context. Because winglin doesn’t show posters or banners until after clicking on the link, prospective readers may be turned off, believing the author to be careless in allowing inaccuracies in the title –the first impression to any piece of writing.

[Forewords 5/10] Criteria: Does it give information about the characters/story? Is it organized?

The forewords gives the main plot, but little else. I know nothing of the characters beyond the plot. I recommend this format for forewords:

Title:

Author:

Main Characters:

Summary:

Rating/Warnings:

Disclaimer and Copyright:

Character summary:

[Insert Character Name Here]: A few sentences about their back story up until the beginning of the main plot.

Insert other main characters as needed.

[Plot/Originality 10/20] Criteria: Is it more complex than "boy meets girl?" Even if it's cliché', does it bring a different twist?

This story is the typical standard boy-meets-girl. Even more standard - the girl meets the boy over embarrassing/humiliating circumstances. Another cliché is that the boy is initially a jerk to the main character. However, it’s too early yet to tell if there will be anything different from what could be seen on any given C, J, or K-drama.

[Flow/Pacing 6/10] Criteria: Does the story go too fast that the reader can't keep up, or too slow that the reader gets bored waiting for something to happen?

It’s not too fast, nor too slow, but I felt that the three short chapters (as of the writing of this review) could have been made into one long chapter if transitional phrases were used. Usually chapters denote a passage of time and these three chapters all take place within a matter of minutes. The two extra chapters feel like an attempt at simply having more updates and to fill space.

[Grammar/Spelling 20/30] Criteria: Does the writing make sense in and out of context? Does the reader have to reread something to understand what the author's trying to get across? Is the author's writing descriptive? Are there too many glaring typos?

First: You have a good vocabulary in your use of the more technical terms of anatomy. I’d like to see more of this as long as these words are used sparingly or with definitions prior to or after the chapters for those not as well versed in medical jargon.

Grammatically, your worst flaw is overuse of punctuation.

Ex. She and her Labrador retriever, Charlie, were inside the neighbor’s house, and within moments of getting to her feet from his dining room floor and grabbing Charlie to keep him from attacking, there he was.

There should be a stop in this run-on sentence. I do believe there was already mention of the species of Charlie, so there should be no reason to mention the type of dog he is anymore. Mentioning of his breed is only acceptable now if Ella is inquired about it specifically. 

Correction: She and Charlie were now both inside their neighbor’s house. Within moments of getting back on her feet and off the dining room floor, she grabbed Charlie in case he tried to attack as her neighbor came inside.

There are many more sentences like the aforementioned that either have too much punctuation, or too little punctuation without stops.

Open Reader in the comments has pointed many of these out. Take her advice.

Another flaw is the lack of description. I personally do not follow Chinese pop extensively beyond Rainie Yang, Mike He, Danson Tang, and JJ Lyn and without the poster, I would not know who these people are. I do not know what they look like. I do not know their history within the context of the story such as the reason for Ella’s moving to her new home, what the characters’ houses look like, what their neighborhood is like. I know nothing about the area the story takes place and what the seasons are like there. As such, I am automatically alienated and can feel no real connection to the world in which you try to paint for the audience.

[Characterization 10/20] Criteria: Are the characters complex? Are they cliche Mary/Gary Stu's? Is the reader able to differentiate their personalities?

As said above, I know nothing of their history, personality, or what prior experiences led them to this point in their lives as the story begins and progresses. The personalities are stock for the typical drama that could be seen in any Asian language. 

We have the clumsy, yet charming main female.

There is the stoic, hardened main male who is a jerk to the female for no particular reason.

There is the animal/younger sibling/best friend that serves as a catalyst to bring the two main characters together.

There’s nothing to go by to separate them from the typical archetypes presented above at the moment. Hopefully as the story progresses, audiences will become more familiar with the presented characters. I suggest changing what has been written so far so that you may add more detail such as what they look like, style of dress, etc.

[Bonus 5/5] Criteria: Favorite pairing? Does the poster (if there is one) look professional & not like it was made in Microsoft Paint? etc.

Though flawed at the moment, this story does have potential with additions and edits. The good thing is that this story is in early development and editing will be less tedious than if it were hundreds of pages and dozens of chapters. The poster looks well done and fits with the theme. There are little moments to be enjoyed such as Wu Chun considering calling the police on a ‘burglar who tried to break in via doggy door.’ 

[Grade 59/100] Criteria: 100-90 A; 89-80 B; 79-70 C; 69-60 D; 59-0 E

E

[Reviewer's Note]: Considering that this is your first story, do not take this score as a determent to not pursue writing. Use this score as a learning block to better your craft and please do not take any criticism as an insult to who you are personally. This score is also based on the small amount of chapters you have at the moment, as far as overall plot development and character development are concerned.