Mission Accomplished by Sherioka Review by LaurenLCD

8/03/2011 11:52:00 AM


[Title]: Mission Accomplished
[Author]: Sherioka
[Main Characters/Pairings]: Yamada Ryosuke; Yaotome Hikaru; Usui Chikako (OC)
[Rating]: PG-13
[Reviewer]: LaurenLCD @ Novice In Tomboyism
[site]: http://novicetomboy.blogspot.com

[Title: 3/5] Criteria: Is it eye-catching & unique? Does it draw the reader to the story?

It's not very unique; rather cliche. It may draw in readers expecting something to do with mystery, etc. but due to winglin's interface not being like Asianfanfics and providing a brief summary before clicking, that particular audience may be disappointed.

[Forewords 5/10] Criteria: Does it give information about the characters/story? Do you have any clue as to what may happen in a way that doesn't reveal the ending? Is it organized? Does the author give a rating/warning that there may be elements that aren't child friendly or Not Safe For Work?

While you do provide a neat template for the title, genre, etc. I felt you should have added the 'Author' and especially the 'Rating'. Even though this story is supposed to contain light hearted romance, there's nothing stopping you from adding a swear word here or there. If you decide to add light swearing in the form of a 'damn,' etc. then your audience should be aware of such warnings.

[Plot/Originality 10/20] Criteria: Is it more complex than "boy meets girl" or "Boy A loves Girl, but she loves Boy B?" Even if it's cliche', does it bring a different twist in a way that the reader doesn't figure out the end before the final chapter?

This isn't very original. It's a simple Boy A likes girl and tries to get Boy B to make him seem like Prince Charming. Even though this is only part 1 of a two-shot, I can already predict the outcome: While trying to make Ryosuke look good, Hikaru reveals himself to be less of a douche than he portrays to Chikako. Chikako will end up falling for Hikaru, Ryosuke feels betrayed, and both boys will try to win Chikako's affection. She'll either a) choose one of the boys, b) choose neither, or c) say that she likes both boys but wants to remain friends.

Part 2: It ended on a predictable note. Chikako didn't chose either boy. Ryosuke's character did a 180 and stopped trying to pursue her, after getting tired of her constant attitude. They eventually tried to develop a friendship. Nothing here was out of the ordinary.

[Flow/Pacing 5/10] Criteria: Does the story go too fast that the reader can't keep up, or too slow that the reader gets bored waiting for something to happen?

I can't tell the time frame of what's happening. There are little to no transitional clues for the passing of time. I can't imagine that all of this is happening in the time span of one day, but without any clues, it feels as though it's very rushed.

[Grammar/Spelling 15/30] Criteria: Does the writing make sense in and out of context? Does the reader have to reread something to understand what the author's trying to get across? Is the author's writing descriptive? Are there too many glaring typos? If so, point them out and correct them.

One thing I have noticed with this story and the last story you had us review is that there is a glaring lack of detail. I don't know the setting or what our protagonists look like. Everything is generally vague and left in the dark. For those that read this story and don't know who the characters are as celebrities, they'd be highly inclined to click the Main Index button because there's not enough to connect them to the world you're trying to create. There are also spelling and grammar errors, as well as language issues regarding your use of Japanese.

Mistake: She couldn’t concentrate on sleeping, reading or watching TV as there were loud and random shouts coming from the party, piercing her sensitive ears.

Edit: She couldn't concentrate on sleeping, reading, or watching TV due to the random shouts outside that pierced her sensitive ears.

Be careful of your grammar. There was a comma missing. You should also be careful of your tenses. With the use of 'piercing' as opposed to 'pierced,' the tense suddenly switched from past to present. This happens more as the story progresses. Whatever tense you decide to write in, it must stay consistant throughout the entire story.

Mistake:  Without hesitate, she stormed out of her room and stood on the lawn of the noise maker’s house. She threw aside her ‘second thoughts’ and decided to pay a ‘friendly’ visit to her neighbor.

Edit: Without hesitation, she stormed out of her house, throwing aside all second thoughts. She was going to pay a 'friendly' visit to her noisy neighbor.

Hesitate should be hesitation. 'She threw aside her ‘second thoughts’ and decided to pay a ‘friendly’ visit to her neighbor.' is 1. Excessively wordy and 2. placed wrongly. The first half of your second sentence should have been combined with your first sentence. 'the noise maker's house' is unneeded and makes that sentence too wordy. Adding the adjective 'noisy' to describe her neighbor eliminates the need for 'the noise maker.'

Mistake: “I guess you’re not someone from the party then…” He said with a bit of sarcasm in his voice as he was about to walk back to party.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Why?” He asked. etc.

There should be no capitalization of 'she,' 'he,' 'they,' 'their,' etc. The only time capitalization is necessary is when the speaker is a higher being such as: God/Jehovah/Allah or any particular deity/prophet.

Mistake: “Uh…I’m Usui Chikako, yoroshiku.” She bowed.

“Yaotome Hikaru, yoroshiku. Now can we go back already? You’re the main character for this party anyways.” Hikaru said.

This is where we get into incorrect Japanese usage. This is the first time the characters meet. The standard Japanese greeting for people who meet for the first time is as such:

Person A: Hajimamashite. [Last name] desu. Oname desu ka? <- Oname desu ka? is 'What's your name?' Ryosuke could have said this instead of 'By the way, what's your name?' if only to be more polite and be less wordy.

Japanese and Koreans generally don't call each other or refer to each other by their first names unless they have both agreed that it is okay to do so as a sign of friendship. There is always an honorific involved as a sign of respect: sempai (for students older/more advanced than oneself), san (casual sign of respect), sama (used in letters or in formal situations). These honorifics are always to be used for people you're not familiar with, or for people that are older than you. -Chan (for girls and young children of any gender or family members) and -Kun (for boys) are generally for friends that are younger than you. Calling someone you just met by their first name is considered rudeness, esp. depending on the following factors: age, social status, job/class rank, and gender.

Person B: Hajimamashite. [Last name] desu.

Person A: Doozo yoroshiku.

Person B: Doozo yoroshiku.

Mistake: “I just moved into this new house. It’s like a congratulation party for me. I’ve always wanted a big house like this to live in; I’ve been living in small apartments since I was born! Ever since I started my career as a chief in some famous Chinese restaurant…” This time, Ryosuke was cut off by Hikaru.

Edit: "I just moved here, so it's a house warming party. I've been living in small apartments since I was born, so I've always wanted a big house. Ever since I began my career as a chef at [insert a famous Japanese restaurant that may specialize in Chinese cuisine]-"

Reviewer's Note: This is just laziness on your part. Ryosuke sounds very inauthentic. No one actually speaks like this about their job. It sounds like he doesn't even know the restaurant he worked for. When a character is cut off by another character or their sentence is cut short, there's usually a dash to indicate that. Once again, you were being too wordy.

Mistake: After we got to school, Chikako sat at my usual spot near the front of the class, surprisingly; Hikaru sat beside me, too. He gave me a small smile before looking down on his notes.

“You should smile more.” Chikako gave him a slight puss on the arm.

Edit: "You should smile more." Chikako gave him a slight push on the arm.

Reviewer's Note: You randomly go from 3rd person in the first shot and begin the second shot in 1st person. If you begin a story in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person, it is expected to be in that writing style the entire time. It's confusing and jarring when the author randomly switches the following: tenses, or between 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person.

[Characterization 10/20] Criteria: Are the characters complex or are they cliche Mary/Gary Stus (i.e perfect without flaws)? Is the reader able to differentiate their personalities? Do they show signs of growth spiritually/mentally/etc. as the story progresses? Do their personalities do a 180 in a way that leaves the reader in confusion?

They seem very one dimensional. Due to the lack of detail, all I can gather from these three is that Chikako is 1. snobbish for caring about Ryosuke's major being for those who barely get in her university, 2. has a short fuse for apparently no reason (possibly bipolar). Hikaru seems like a jerk for a good chunk of the two-shot. Ryosuke is like a lost puppy or stalker with his continued involvement in Chikako's life (and then does a 180 and decides to give up and let her pursue him). While I understand that they are neighbors, Ryosuke has only just met Chikako so his actions are very off putting, assuming that they've only known each other for a short time.

I don't know who's who as far as the boys are concerned and what they look like so, unfortunately I have to rely on the poster. Since the female character is an original character, she most definitely should have been given more attention in regards to detail of what she looks like. You should always write as if your audience knows nothing about the characters whether they are real life celebrities or not. It's fine to leave some detail and description out if they are being portrayed as they are in real life (career life, etc.), but the detail is needed if the world is an alternate universe where they are not celebrities.

[Bonus 4/5] Criteria: Favorite pairing? Does the poster (if there is one) look professional & not like it was made in Microsoft Paint or by someone just learning the basics of Photoshop? etc.

The poster is well done, but the characters names could have been added on the bottom for those unfamiliar with the celebrities involved. The male on the bottom right should have been edited to match the girl and other male. The tint for his picture is yellow while the others are tinted with more pink/magenta so he sticks out like a sore thumb.

[Grade 52/100] Criteria: 100-90 A; 89-80 B; 79-70 C; 69-60 D; 59-0 E

[Reviewer's Note] Suggest any sites/books with writing tutorials; words of encouragement, etc.

I suggest: 1. Write your story in a word processor such as MS Word or AbiWord (the latter is free) to catch grammar and spelling errors. Never write your first (and final) draft in winglin without actually taking time to check for errors. 2. Ask someone to beta read or act as your editor to correct your mistakes. 3. Look for tutorials online and read books by famous authors who can actually write, taking note of their grammar and use of wording (I'm sorry if this offends you if you're a Twilight fan, but avoid Stephanie Meyer at all costs. She cannot write. She uses purple prose, bad grammar, uses words from the thesaurus in an effort to sound intelligent but doesn't actually know what the words she uses mean, and her stories drag for hundreds of pages without going anywhere in plot development.)


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