One and Only You Review by llovex3_her
7/26/2011 07:44:00 PM LaurenLCD
LaurenLCD
Labels: Review Request
Labels: Review Request
[Title]: One and Only You
[Author]: Sherioka
[Main Characters/Pairings]: Akanishi Jin & Kazehaya Ayane (OC)
[Rating]: PG-13
[Reviewer]: ll0vex3_her @ Novice In Tomboyism
[site]: http://novicetomboy.blogspot.com
[Title: 3/5]
It's not really eye-catching or attention seeking. Even if I do manage to see the title from the vast array of stories, I doubt I would actually click on it to read since it's a little boring. But overall, it's okay.
[Forewords 7/10]
It's not bad, although there's only one sentence. Since it's a one-shot, that sentence seems to have already shown the relationship between the main and indicate that something is about to happen. Nice job. ^^
[Plot/Originality 12/20]
I can't say it's exactly cliche', but definitely not original. It's the usual plot where either the guy or the girl breaks up with his/her partner because they have an illness or for some other reason. I figured that you should have given some clues while you were writing, because it's very weird to be saying that Jin and Ayane are so in love and yet, she could easily want to break up with him because he couldn't get over his mom's death. You should have written some more inner struggles so that it's more mysterious and could keep the readers at bay instead of making me feel: "Is her love for him real?"
[Flow/Pacing 7/10]
The flow wasn't too bad considered for a one-shot. It goes quite nice and wasn't rushed.
[Grammar/Spelling 12/30]
Some of your writing don't make sense, and some are careless mistakes, I guess.
Mistake: "...students would send those glare of envy, jealousy and hate towards the couple"
Correction: hatred
Mistake: "I'll defiantly stop my behaviour!"
Correction: definitely; behavior (but if you're British, then I understand why you spelled it that way. It's simply an American thing to drop the u)
Mistake: "And you're just a memory that'll I'll graduate from"
Correction: that I'll graduate from
[Characterization 6/20]
It wasn't too bad, although you didn't really write much about the characters, so its hard for me to realize how they are.
[Bonus 3/5]
Wow that graphic is really beautiful! I can't say much about Jin though, I'm not a big fan of JPOP, so yeah. Sorry xD
[Grade 50/100] Criteria: 100-90 A; 89-80 B; 79-70 C; 69-60 D; 59-0 E
[Reviewer's Note] Hm, maybe you could have written about Ayane's inner feeling more. She seems a little too cold to Jin. The ending was a bit..broken and left hanging..
Webmistress' Note: Not to put you out there llovex3_her, but I took the liberty of correcting some of your typos and made a few edits (Behaviour and behavior are both correct; the former is used more in the UK while we here in US use the latter). It wasn't to embarrass you or critique you, but as a college student who's high school major was English, I couldn't resist fixing it up a tad. To Sherioka, there's no need to add the Webmistress' Note. The review stops at the reviewer's note.
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