One and Only You Review by llovex3_her
7/26/2011 07:44:00 PM LaurenLCD
LaurenLCD
Labels: Review Request
Review – Chinese Exchange Students
1/07/2011 02:56:00 AM LaurenLCD
LaurenLCD
Labels: Review Request
Labels: Review Request
[Title]: One and Only You
[Author]: Sherioka
[Main Characters/Pairings]: Akanishi Jin & Kazehaya Ayane (OC)
[Rating]: PG-13
[Reviewer]: ll0vex3_her @ Novice In Tomboyism
[site]: http://novicetomboy.blogspot.com
[Title: 3/5]
It's not really eye-catching or attention seeking. Even if I do manage to see the title from the vast array of stories, I doubt I would actually click on it to read since it's a little boring. But overall, it's okay.
[Forewords 7/10]
It's not bad, although there's only one sentence. Since it's a one-shot, that sentence seems to have already shown the relationship between the main and indicate that something is about to happen. Nice job. ^^
[Plot/Originality 12/20]
I can't say it's exactly cliche', but definitely not original. It's the usual plot where either the guy or the girl breaks up with his/her partner because they have an illness or for some other reason. I figured that you should have given some clues while you were writing, because it's very weird to be saying that Jin and Ayane are so in love and yet, she could easily want to break up with him because he couldn't get over his mom's death. You should have written some more inner struggles so that it's more mysterious and could keep the readers at bay instead of making me feel: "Is her love for him real?"
[Flow/Pacing 7/10]
The flow wasn't too bad considered for a one-shot. It goes quite nice and wasn't rushed.
[Grammar/Spelling 12/30]
Some of your writing don't make sense, and some are careless mistakes, I guess.
Mistake: "...students would send those glare of envy, jealousy and hate towards the couple"
Correction: hatred
Mistake: "I'll defiantly stop my behaviour!"
Correction: definitely; behavior (but if you're British, then I understand why you spelled it that way. It's simply an American thing to drop the u)
Mistake: "And you're just a memory that'll I'll graduate from"
Correction: that I'll graduate from
[Characterization 6/20]
It wasn't too bad, although you didn't really write much about the characters, so its hard for me to realize how they are.
[Bonus 3/5]
Wow that graphic is really beautiful! I can't say much about Jin though, I'm not a big fan of JPOP, so yeah. Sorry xD
[Grade 50/100] Criteria: 100-90 A; 89-80 B; 79-70 C; 69-60 D; 59-0 E
[Reviewer's Note] Hm, maybe you could have written about Ayane's inner feeling more. She seems a little too cold to Jin. The ending was a bit..broken and left hanging..
Webmistress' Note: Not to put you out there llovex3_her, but I took the liberty of correcting some of your typos and made a few edits (Behaviour and behavior are both correct; the former is used more in the UK while we here in US use the latter). It wasn't to embarrass you or critique you, but as a college student who's high school major was English, I couldn't resist fixing it up a tad. To Sherioka, there's no need to add the Webmistress' Note. The review stops at the reviewer's note.
Labels: Review Request
Author: Ayu Main Characters: Siwon, Hankyung, Yunho, Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, Nichkhun, etc. Rating: Rated M for explicit Yaoi content Reviewer: aingeal1004 @ Novice In Tomboyism
Title: 5/5 - The title was unique. It gives a hint to the readers on the plot, and also manages to catch the attention of readers as it’s not a title commonly seen.
Forewords: 9/10 - The foreword was able to provide information on the plot and characters without revealing too much. - It was clear and organized, and it managed to fulfil the minimum requirements. - A warning was given stating that there was explicit Yaoi content. - It would have been even better if you listed the pairings in the story.
Plot/Originality: 17/20 - The storyline was quite similar to typical high school stories. - The plot was not bad as you had direction. Meaning, your story has a storyline which seemed to be heading towards an ending, which is good. (This also helps your story’s flow.) - You were able to portray and use the characters in your plot well. - You managed to separate different scenes clearly throughout the story. - Full marks for originality.
Flow/Pacing: 7/10 - The flow was smooth. - The pacing was quite slow for most of the story, but it was still acceptable on a whole as it wasn’t to the extent it bores the readers. - Some of your sentences need brushing up. Try to avoid writing very long sentences, as the tendency to have errors in long sentences is higher, and long sentences slow the pace. You can write a few short sentences in-between to help avoid that.
Grammar/Spelling/Format: 25/30 - There were some grammatical errors. For example, you are supposed to write in the past tense. - Paragraphing errors can be seen throughout the story. You need to begin a new paragraph when a character speaks. Other than that, the format had no problems. - Spelling and typographical errors were little to none. Good job~! ^^ - You made sense in and out of context. - More description (show, don’t tell) is needed.
Characterization: 18/20 - The characters were well-developed despite having so many of them. - The characters’ feelings for others around them, and the way they react to situations were shown. - Readers are able to get a basic background of the characters simply from reading your story. This is very important in characterization. - The characters’ personalities were consistent. - One thing though: their flaws weren’t really shown.
Bonus: 3/5 - I love YunJae. Hahas(: - Your explicit Yaoi scenes were at least passable.
Grade: 84/100 B
~~~~~~~
Reviewer’s Note:
You could try requesting for posters. A poster that looks professional could get you more bonus marks. However, it was still a good effort on your part. As for your writing, you can write well(: The only thing I’d suggest is that you try to move the pace along. It was quite slow. Other than these, it was a good story. All the best in your future works~! ^^
♥ cheonsa
Best viewed in Chrome; Incompatible with IE, Opera.